Vocalising is the stumbling block
Which I am persistently made to re-visit.
My vocal chords are like knotted wires,
Entangling themselves in sheer panic
And choking my words.
I am dumbstruck, dumbfounded,
Suspended in time
By the immobility of my lips
And the vacuum they leave
While pairs of eyes-bewildered-
Ogle at me from perfectly formed faces.
To the world, it appears,
I must have no thoughts or opinions
As behind my face lies an airy space
From which no substance can be emitted.
But give me a pen
And a room of my own,
Then, again, my eyes will see
And I will awake from a dormant sleep.
The footfall of ink on paper
Will give me the energy to connect
With the heart I too often forget.
Thousands of characters
Rushing around my head,
All bouncing and waving-
A little too much for me to take.
They punctuate those rare moments,
Where silence fills the spaces
In the vacant seconds of a day.
They pinch and prod me,
Appearing more real than reality.
They need me so that they can live,
So they can breathe,
So they can stretch and feel.
Without me, my characters have no life,
They wander and stumble in the dark
Frantic like a lost toddler;
They die in the dark,
So sleep is not an option.
They need the colour
Require vivid imagination,
Must have the control of my body
Down to my fingertips
Where I reach for a pen.
I watch them restlessly,
I’m worried, waiting for the day
When they wander off
Sick of not being fulfilled,
Tired that their fiction isn’t tangible,
Exasperated at my failure to listen.
My characters wander around,
Always around the perimeters,
Threatening my overspilling head.
I need them to survive.
They are my lifeline, my escape.
My only fact is my fiction.
One thing I am learning is that you cannot force yourself to write.
I think I am addicted to the feeling of accomplishment and pride I get when I can press ‘publish’ on a blog post. I feel a rush of productivity through my veins and a sense that I am at least capable of something. Blogging gives me a focus and an outlet to scream into the void all of the things that I am too scared to tell people in real life. Writing gives me a release as I can vomit out all of my feelings into a post and then try to move on with my day.
However, I have realised that I cannot force myself to write a blog post just so that I can get those feelings. Well, I can but the post will be crap because I am not writing it after feeling compelled to do so after an experience or encountering a certain feeling. Instead, I am writing out of desperation. Posts that I save in my drafts and write when I am not feeling moved by anything do not even sound like me. I sound forced and strained as I pile pressure on myself to produce something so that I can feel productive and good about myself.
I want to make a resolution to not punish myself on those days when words will only trip and fall clumsily from my brain to my fingertips and the letters pressed on the keyboard do not make sense. Creating anything from your own brain is an achievement because you are the only person who could ever write exactly what you have written; your creativity is unique. Therefore, treat it kindly. Do not batter it into submission and berate it when ideas do not easily flow through you and excite your heart as you are writing. Instead, nurture your creativity and chalk each day down to experience. If you hate what you write one day, at least you can learn from it and remember to tell yourself that you have still produced something that is entirely you.